The Virgin Count
by Wizardora
Summary: During a productive lesson of Transfiguration Ron becomes extremely worried that he and Harry must be the only two students in Hogwarts who haven't had sex! To comfort his paranoid friend Harry starts a Virgin Count of all the virgins in the school. But t


** b The Virgin Count**  
**Muffliato /b **

i _Muffliato_ /i

"Merlin Harry, this lesson is so boring!" Ron sighed, slumping his head into his arms, folded across the desk. He showed no signs of doing any work although the rest of the class were scribbling furiously, trying to keep up with the complicated diagrams and Transfiguration theories that McGonagall's chalk was writing rapidly on the blackboard. Hermione stuck her tongue out in concentration, the boys felt she would only disapprove if she found them using the i _Muffliato /i _ charm in what she deemed a very important lesson, and so she had been excluded from the boys' hushed conversation.

"Tell me about it. I hate theory. McGonagall really is laying it on thick. I'll never be able to copy down everything she says." Harry replied out of the side of his mouth, his diagram of the wizarding anatomy looked nothing like the descriptive drawing on the board. It looked more like a wobbly stick-man. Ron's page was blank.

"I'll just get Hermione to give me the notes afterwards." he shrugged, closing his eyes as though he were bored enough to sleep.

"But you're not exactly in her good books at the moment are you Ron?" Harry glanced at his lazy friend, considering the very same idea of putting down his pen and convincing Hermione to let him copy her notes after class.

"Oh yeah." Ron sat up looking miserable, recounting the events that had happened several nights previously. "Those canaries were really painful y'know! I've still got bruises!"

"But you have Lavender to kiss it better don't you?" Harry couldn't stop himself, and he grinned as Ron looked as grumpy as ever at the prospect of kissing his girlfriend.

"Shut up!" Ron nudged Harry playfully, giving Harry's drawing dodgy legs as his pen was knocked. Harry laughed to himself and started to get on with his work again, already a page and a half behind Hermione.

Ron paused for a moment before saying, quite randomly, "Harry, how many people are in this room?"

"Count them yourself!" Harry told him, raising an eyebrow, crossing out a spelling error on his parchment.

"I just mean… out of the people in here… I just think…" Ron stumbled, clearly trying to tell Harry something, but seeming quite embarrassed about it. Ron was not the best person at expressing himself. "…maybe we're in the minority."

"Minority of what?"

"Well," Ron turned red, " i _virginity /i _ I suppose." His ears turned a deep shade of crimson.

"What? Where did that thought come from?" Harry had never really thought about it. He had been more concerned with the Dark Lord trying to kill him. Losing his virginity just wasn't as big an issue on his agenda.

"I dunno. Me and Lavender were talking about it earlier…"

"You haven't…?" Harry interrupted him, revolted at the idea of Ron and Lavender in such a position.

"No, no! Nothing like that!" Ron was quick to deny. "We were just… talking about it. And she said that she'd… done it. And I suppose I was embarrassed that I hadn't." he admitted, twiddling his thumbs on the desk. Harry had put down his pen now, losing track of the work.

"Really? Lavender? With who?"

"Seamus." Ron said jealously.

"Seamus has lost it?" Harry was astounded, when did his friends have time to build these kind of relationships? When they weren't finding Horcruxes and such things he supposed.

"Yeah, see what I mean? We're in the minority, Harry! Everyone's done it apart from us!" Ron snapped. "We've got to be the only virgins in the whole school!"

"What about… err… Neville?" Harry suggested, not wanted the label of virgin to be etched on his forehead next to his scar.

"Good point." Ron sighed with relief that he wasn't the only one. "Us and Neville. That really brings us level with the majority of people having sex." he added sarcastically.

"The Patil twins?" Harry asked.

"True. Deffo virgins." Ron decided of the two girls.

"You can't tell." Harry protested, not convinced by Ron's instinctive assumption. "Maybe one of them has."

"What? One loses their virginity before the other?" Ron asked in surprise.

"They're just twins, Ron." Harry told his friend. Sometimes he worried about Ron's lack of common sense. "They're not Siamese twins or anything."

"I just thought they'd… I dunno… arrange so that they'd lose it at the same time." Ron said casually as if it were perfectly normal. Harry, however, did not want that image in his head.

"What? That's ridiculous! What about your brothers? They're twins! Do you think Fred and George would lose it simultaneously?"

"They did." Ron told Harry seriously.

"What?" Harry was taken back by this. He'd never even thought about the twins in that sort of context before. He couldn't believe it, pranksters that they are, that they would pull something like that off. This conversation was surreal.

"Yeah, they're always bragging about it." Ron explained. "In their sixth year, the night of the Yule Ball." 

"Wait… didn't Fred take Angelina?" Harry asked, appalled by the behaviour of his Quidditch team captain.

"Yep. And George took Katie Bell."

"So they've both…" Harry nodded, now oblivious to the rest of the lesson going on around them.

"Yep," Ron said bitterly, "I'm surprised they haven't recounted the story to you Harry, they recite it every chance they get. Show offs."

Harry just shook his head.

"I won't be able to look Angelina in the face at Quidditch practice now."

"Why do you think I kept dropping the ball every time she passed it to me?" Ron told Harry of his first Quidditch practices with the Gryffindor team. 

"Nerves?" Harry offered, hoping that Ron's incapability at Quidditch did not involve sordid thoughts about his captain. 

"You don't know where those hands have _been_ Harry. It's disturbing." Ron shivered, trying to rid himself of the graphic images in his head. "I don't want to know!" 

"Ergh!" Harry agreed, at the same time feeling rather immature about their reaction to the subject matter.

"It's depressing." Ron crossed his arms and sank lower in his chair. "I reckon I'm the only member of my family who hasn't popped their cherry."

"Bill?" Harry questioned

"Oh he's a right Casanova! More conquests than Don Juan himself!" Ron had grown up with regular accounts of Bill's.

"Charlie?" 

"Apparently Romanian girls don't need much persuading." Ron winked.

"Percy?"

"I hope he hasn't." Ron said, a flicker of hope for his damaged ego. "But he did have that thing with Penelope Clearwater didn't he? What she saw in him I'll never know."

"Err… Ginny?" Harry asked a little reluctantly. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the outcome of this. 

"I really don't want to think about it thank you Harry. She's my kid sister." Ron stopped him right there.

"Has she… with… err… which one?" Harry tried to sound uninterested, but felt himself stammering with rage at whoever had been that intimate with the girl.

"God only knows." Ron shuddered. "My best guess is a fair number of times with a fair number of blokes! This is disgraceful Harry, my little sister has had more action than me!"

"There's bound to be more virgins than just us, Ron!" Harry tried to cheer up his friend, whilst trying to ignore what had been suggested about Ginny's virtue, "I know; we'll write a list of people we think are virgins, how's that? Then you'll see just how many people are in this supposed 'minority'." Harry suggested. It would be more amusing than Transfiguration theories at any rate.

"Deal. What should we call it?" Ron said, handed Harry his blank sheet of paper to write on.

Harry's pen paused when the title should be before saying, "The Virgin Count!"

He scrawled at the top of the parchment:

i _The Virgin Count __  
__1. Ronald Weasley_ /i

"Oi! Don't put me first! Then I'll look like a right pumpkin-head!" Ron protested, but it was no good.

"Too late, I've already written it." Harry laughed, writing himself beneath Ron:

i _2. Harry Potter_ /i

"Fine. Don't forget Neville!" Ron added hastily.

i _3. Neville Longbottom_ /i

"Who else?" Harry asked, glancing up to check that McGonagall wasn't looking in their direction. i _Muffliato /i _ didn't make the teachers blind.

"The Patil twins." Ron remembered. "Although do you think on of them should go in a 'maybe' column?"

"O…K…" Harry said as he titled the right side of the page 'maybe':

i _4. One of the Patil twins ___

_Maybe __  
__The other Patil twin_ /i

"Cho Chang?" Ron asked Harry.

"What are you asking me for?"

"You would know Harry!" Ron told him, thinking that if Cho and Harry hadn't done it, then Cho would be most likely to confide in Harry about doing it with Cedric. 

"Maybe." Harry felt stupid for not knowing, adding her to the 'maybe' column.

"Dean?"

"Probably at it with Ginny." It rolled off Harry's tongue bitterly and sarcastically, the jealousy taking him over.

"Harry!" Ron hissed loudly, pulling a face.

"Sorry!" Harry shook his head.

"Don't say things like that!" Ron shuddered again, refusing to think about the sorts of things his sister gets up to with the many men she finds herself with.

"Draco Malfoy?" Harry changed the subject from Ginny.

"Blatantly had it on with Pansy Parkinson." Ron stated, "There's a reason the Slytherin common room is in the dungeons Harry; what's done down there is best left down there. I assume all Slytherins to be un-cherrified."

"Including Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry smirked. Ron tried to hide a laugh as the teacher looked in their direction.

"No, you're right. Put Crabbe and Goyle on the list!" he chuckled.

i _Vincent Crabbe __  
__Gregory Goyle_ /i

"Ernie MacMillan?"

"Virgin. He'd be first to tell us if he wasn't." Ron rolled his eyes, not one for tolerating arrogance.

i _Ernie MacMillan_ /i

"Mclaggan?"

"Same. Ego issues. Tosser."

"Luna?" Harry questioned, unable to combine Luna with sex. She was just too innocent and… well… crazy for anything like that.

"She's too… i _Luna /i _ to think about sex." Ron observed.

"I dunno, I reckon there's something going on between her and Neville…" Harry told his friend of his suspicions.

"But we put Neville on the list."

"You're right. Luna and Neville are too much like… i _Luna and Neville /i _ to ever have sex." Harry laughed.

"Who else do we know who might or might not have lost their err… innocence?" Ron asked.

"Hermione?" Harry said, knowing this name would receive an avid response from Ron.

"Virgin." Ron said confidently, unsure as to why Harry would question she wasn't. Hermione stuck her tongue out in concentration again, unaware of the conversation concerning her happening in the seats next to where she worked.

"What makes you so sure?"

"No. No! She wouldn't… she couldn't… but…" Ron dismissed the idea but then looked at Harry for assurance.

"It's a possibility." Harry said, trying not to mention the name 'Krum' in front of Ron. "I'm putting her on the maybe list…" 

"Don't!" Ron objected suddenly.

"Why not?" 

"I don't want her on the 'maybe list'." Ron sounded like a selfish child who didn't want to share his toy. "It's Hermione!" he said by means of justification.

"So? What about Krum?" Harry regretted dropping the name as soon as it left his lips.

"What about Krum?" Ron asked, not believing for one second that Hermione would join Fred, George, Katie and Angelina in losing their virginities on the night of the Yule Ball.

"They were close weren't they?" Harry said tentatively.

"She would have told us."

"Why would she?"

"Because… because… ask her." Ron commanded, getting frustrated.

"You ask her!" Harry refused.

"No way! Like you said, she's in a mood with me!"

"I can't ask her now, she's writing down work for Transfiguration!"

"Just write her a note or something."

"Saying what? 'Sorry to disturb Hermione but did you and Krum ride the hobby horse while I was off doing the Triwizard Tournament?'"

"Yeah!" Ron wasn't sure why, but he really needed to know. He really needed to be reassured that Hermione was still… well… the Hermione he thought her to be.

"I don't think she'd be too pleased with me, Ron."

"Please ask, I want to know!"

"You seem very interested in her," Harry observed, winking at his friend to try and lighten the mood, "are you sure you're not…?"

"No," Ron said straight away, his ears and cheeks blushing for the second time, "I'm just… indifferent."

"Indifferent?" Harry was not convinced.

"Yes. Oh, um. Is that the bell? I err… better be err… off to copy those Transfiguration notes… see ya Harry!"


End file.
